A smattering of bad rapper names

It's nothing new for a musician to use a stage name. People often tend to forget that David Bowie is not a real name, neither is Ringo Starr or Bob Dylan for that matter. But aliases for rock musicians have always tended to be something which at least resembles a birth name. Hip hop music, on the other hand, has the distinction of being the only style of music where it is common practice to adopt a ridiculous moniker, which has little if anything to do with what your parents decided to call you. I'm not sure why this happened, but the only rapper I can think of who uses his real name is Saul Williams - even Chuck D of Public Enemy shortens his name to give it more of that hip hop punchiness.

Now, the use of these names is not nessesarily a bad thing. Names like DMC, RZA, Rakim, Dr. Dre and KRS-One are all tough, smart, catchy, and, well, cool-sounding. Ridiculous alteregos like Flava Flav, Q-Tip, Snoop Doggy Dogg, Ol' Dirty Bastard, and Chali 2na reflect the hipness and humor of their respective rappers. But one of many things I have learned working in a music store is that for each rapper who spends a lot of time coming up with his perfect stage name, there are a dozen nobodies who seemingly name themselves on a whim. Most of them seem to belong to the commercially and creatively dead subgenre of gangster rap, and their desperation to pick a name that makes them sound "tough" or "like a criminal" often results in them picking something which sounds like a cheap imitation detergent you might buy at K-mart. A few of these guys, though, are apparently brainy and sophisticated political rappers - which means they really should know better than to pick names like these.

Here's a few I jotted down during my last run-through of the hip hop section:

Phatzo - I'm sure that Phatzo himself considers this to be an extremely witty reference to his own presumably massive body weight/coolness, but the truth is that a) no one has used the term "phat" in any sentence for at least five years, and b) while being "big" or "B.I.G." is considered to be badass, being "fat" is not. I find it hard to believe this guy could be threatening, unless he perhaps raps about how he's going to sit on anyone who disses him.

Fifth Ward Weebie - Now I have no clue what a "weebie" is, all I know is that it's one letter away from "weenie." Ooh, very scary. Judging from the amount of red around this guy's eyes in his photos, and the use of extreme greens on the album cover, I would guess that a "weebie" is a marijuana cigarette. Which doesn't make it any of a better name than "weenie" - is he trying to say that he lets other people smoke him on a regular basis?



Oddatee - Another thing which confuses me is why so many of these guys need to change the spellings of normal words. Why did he need to? Was there another rapper who already named himself "Oddity"? If so, was the name really *so* good that it was worth mispelling in order to use it?

Lil Cuete - I guess "Cuete" means something tough in spanish, judging from the mean way this guy (who looks about 17, with some facial hair) is posing on his album cover. I don't know, I read it as "Lil' Cutie." Which isn't threatening as much as it is *adorable*. There are actually a lot of bad rap names with "Lil" in the name - Lil Bow Wow, Lil Tweety, etc. They always grow up to drop the "lil" and completely fail at being adult rappers. Because come on, who is going to buy and album by a guy named "Tweety"?



Turk - Oh shit! He's Turkish! Scary shit, man. Very threatening.

Mr. Lif - I'm really just curious about what a "Lif" is. Is it short for "lift"? If so, what the hell does that mean? Is it supposed to be threatening? Do his lyrics read like "I'm gonna lif' you up while I beat you down/and lif' up the banks all around town"? Is it in reference to an elevator? Perhaps it's some sort of abbreviation for his real name - however, your guess is as good as mine what that name would be. Lifrey? Lifford? Lifworth?

Mr. Servon - Another bad "Mr." name. I know he probably means it as in "you got served" but I can't help but read it as in "how may I serve you?" Does he work as a butler or something? "Mister Servon, please sniff my wine cork. Then run down to the store and pick up the laundry." He drives the limo while Mr. Lif works the elevator.

Drag-On - Meant to imply that this guy is like one of those giant fantasy lizards. Actually implies that this guy puts a dress on every time he performs.

Kastlevania - Hmmm, yes. It's relatively cool that this guy (or these guys, if it's a group) named himself/themselves after a video game (and one of the classics at that), but I don't really get the strategy of simply taking a name for a movie or game and changing the spelling. I'm surprised there aren't rappers named things like "Tacksi Driva" or "Megga Mann." And to top it off these guys only changed one letter. I think I'll name my new rap group, um, "Titanik" or "Tidanic" or something along those lines.

Da Entourage - Entourage? "A group of attendants or associates"? So these guys are, like, the losers that follow some other guy around? Doesn't sound very badass... I also can't stand the replacement of the word "the" with "da," as if it somehow makes it more ghetto to not spell correctly. However, rap feuds would be a lot more amusing, in my opinion, if they argued about which of the two of them have worse spelling skills.

Wreck - Really not that funny a name. More funny is this guy's album title, which is "Pocket Full of Quarters." Sounds pretty tough, huh? This guy is going to the arcade, no bullshit, and he's going to put those f'ing quarters into the machines until his pockets are empty, fool.



The Wizzard - Either this guy is blissfully unaware that "Wizzard" was already the name of Roy Wood's retro-glam group from the 70's, or he chose his name in the hopes of confusing some of Wood's occasionally obsessed fans. Regardless of his reasoning, "Wizzard" remains one of the worst possible names for *any* thing, especially a band or artist.

The Jacka - I think he means like a "car jacka," but that doesn't quite come across. The more logical implication is that he enjoys "jackang off" when he can't get a date for the evening.

Mo B. Dick - The *king* of bad rap names. This is without a doubt the worst, the stupidest, the most blatantly braggard and poorly crafted of them all. Not only is it a reference to a piece of classic literature, it's also a stupid nod to this gentleman's cock size. It would be a very good name for a porn star, but unless this guy is constantly rapping about how big his own penis is, then it doesn't work. Actually, if this guy *did* rap about his own penis, then I would probably want to hear it.

Sweetenlo - This guy was pouring sweetener into his coffee when he realized he had just stumbled upon the best rap name ever. He was still working in McDonalds when he realized he was wrong. His first album has the endlessly amusing title "Not To Be Tooken Lightly."

Bubba Sparxx - Another name more worthy of a pornographer, and one of the only people on this list to achieve *some* level of fame. This guy came along during the whole late-nineties "white rap" movement, spawned by the genuinely talented but somewhat egotistical Eminem. I guess Bubba here figured he'd play up his honky image, giving himself a name usually reserved for the redneckiest of rednecks. However I can't hear it without thinking of that shrimp guy from "Forrest Gump." As for his surname - well, I don't see how on its own "Sparxx" could belong to anything other than an extremely homoerotic DJ group.

Baby AKA the #1 Stunna - Okay, this guy has *two* names and they're *both* terrible. I don't think I have to go into why. The funniest thing is that he named his album "Birdman" (as in "of Alcatraz"), which while not great is about twenty times a better alias than either of the ones he actually goes by.

W.C. and the Madd Circle - This guy was actually in the Westside Connection with Ice Cube and Mack 10, I guess he drew the short straw when they were picking names. Perhaps "W" and "C" are his genuine initials, I don't know. All I know is that "W.C." is often used as an abbreviation for "water closet," a British term for "bathroom." I am certain that British tourists chuckle even more than I do whenever they run across his albums...

Rapper Big Pooh - Um, this guy's name is "Big Pooh.""Big Pooh." As in "I have to go to the bathroom and take a Big Pooh." I honestly cannot believe that this one is for real. But I've seen the CD. As if it weren't enough that this guy named himself after *excrement*, he also decided not to go with the more traditional "M.C." title and instead go with "rapper." Which I initially misread as "raper." "Raper Big Pooh." Just say it out loud, and try not to laugh or get somewhat grossed out.



I'm sure I will discover more of these as I continue to work the hip hop section. I will share any new ones I come up with. And by the way, here is a disclaimer to any of the (presumably frightening) rappers covered here: if you by any chance find this site and are pissed off that some white kid is making fun of your name, then please, please, *please* do not kill me. Just ask me to take it down and I will, no problem. Just please don't make Phatzo sit on me...